Whew! So that's done...

It was fun making my Life List, but now the hard part starts: trying to make this stuff happen. Obviously this is a life list, so I'm not trying to do everything at once. But I'm pretty excited to have named experiences I'd like to have and skills I'd like to learn. 

Somebody pointed out to me that a couple of the list items rely a bit on others. I actually considered the same thing when making the list, but I figured a couple pipe dreams were healthy. I guess there are different types of goals and dreams, and I've combined one or two of the whimsical kind with the kind I can do for myself (to varying degrees). Someone saying "Oh, you have a whimsical dream that is in my power to make a reality for you" definitely relies heavily on that person granting my wish, but I think a couple dreams that rely on the kindness of others are a good thing, as long as I haven't made a whole list of wishes or gifts.

I am definitely willing to accept help along the way. The list represents skills and habits I want to learn, as well as adventures and experiences I'd like to undertake and encounter. Conquering my tendencies toward isolation is probably at least as important--if not moreso--to my development and health than making sure I can accomplish every piece myself. Maybe instead of dreading anyone finding out I need help, while weirdly simultaneously waiting to be saved, I can learn to strike a balance. Is that crazy talk?

In the spirit of striking a balance, I included two things I have already accomplished--singing in a band, and celebrating Oktoberfest in Munich. I tend to be too hard on myself, feeling like I'm starting from scratch now, like I've wasted my whole life up until this point. When I was 9 I felt like I'd already missed my chance to accomplish anything, which I know is crazy, but that's my nature. Freakishly unattainable perfectionism. So admitting that I've already done some things I'm thrilled about--experiences I would add to my list at any point in my life--is like a little pat on the back, and a reminder that I am continuing my life journey, and building on past experiences and skills (which I do have) not just beginning it. 

Okay, I've probably stretched this list thing out over as many posts as possible (Blogtoberfest win!). More kitty pictures or similar in the future. 

Life List

And here it is (in no particular order)...

1. Learn to play guitar
2. Live in another country for 6 months-1 year
3. Learn to can/preserve. Do 12 batches.
4. Write a book of poetry
5. Be a lead singer in a band
6. Blog 6 days a week for 6 months
7. Visit Croatia 
8. Discover my "passion" (aim high, right?), what I want to do
9. Visit that bone church in Prague
10. Plant and maintain a vegetable garden for one year
11. Make a quilt
12. Start a business
13. Exercise like a normal person (4x/week?) for a year/permanently
14. Visit 6 continents (2 so far)
15. Learn to knit
16. Take a cross-country road trip
17. Wear a size 8
18. Visit Russia
19. Be conversational in 3 languages: English, Spanish, ________
20. Set foot in all 50 states (15 so far)
21. Learn to ride a bike well enough to use it for regular transportation
22. Finish 10 paintings
23. Participate more directly in abolitionism
24. Sell something created by me
25. Take pictures of/in the abandoned subway stations in NYC

Click to read more ...

Getting specific

One of the first steps in embarking upon just about any endeavor is list-making. Goal-setting. Establishing what it is one intends to accomplish. So it stands to reason that if one endeavors to build a better self, to live a kick-ass life, she might do well to identify what that life looks like. 

And I have avoided it for my whole life.

When I was really young--say, under 25--I avoided setting life goals out of fear of doing things. I really just wanted to be taken care of, by family, by a man, by chance or fate or the hand of God. I wanted to be special and stand out, but I didn't believe I could do anything to make that happen. I hoped I might just luck into a starring role on broadway, but it didn't occur to me that I could learn to dance, even as I enrolled in a tap class my senior year of high school. If I wasn't the best around me at something, that was the same as being no good at all. The same as being incapable. To set a goal was pointless, I couldn't possibly do the things I dreamed of doing. And the stuff I could do I was already doing, or would luck into along the way.

In the last 8 years it has begun to slowly dawn on me that I might want more than whatever I stumble into. That a fulfilling job might be a priority. That I might even be able to learn something new. I stepped out a little. I stumbled a little. I fell back. Regrouped. Stepped out tiny bit more. But I was still strongly resistent to identifying and announcing what I wanted out of life. My life. Now I wasn't so afraid of doing as I was of not doing. Of failing. To acknowledge that I wanted something put the onus on me to try it. To make it  happen.

Even in my early attempts to start this blog I avoided being specific. Specific is scary. Specific might dictate specific action. Which could lead to failure, leading to disappointment, leading to the worst fate of all: humiliation. 

Yep. That's it. I am cripplingly terrified of humiliation. And that fear is paired with a ludicrous level of perfectionism. This special couple have teamed up to ensure that I remain stuck solidly in a mire of mediocrity. How gross is that? SO GROSS. Ugh. I'm disgusted even thinking about it!

Which brings me back to goal-setting. To list-making. The concept of the life list isn't new. We all know people who have made at least one at some point: the life list, 30 x 30, 40 x 40, or even the horrifically named "bucket list." This summer I discovered Maggie of Mighty Girl, who has one of the best-known life lists, but I had seen dozens prior to finding that one. 

I started my list a couple months ago, while reading The Art of Non-Conformity, and got to about 20 goals before I hit a wall and put it down for a while. But I picked it back up again this month, and have come up with 100 Things I Want To Do During My Life. The sort of things I imagine knowing I've done when I'm an old lady telling stories to young whippersnappers. Or to you, via my old lady blog. And tomorrow I will post it here. 

Update on October 12, 2011 by Christy

I posted my Life List. You can see it here!