Getting specific

One of the first steps in embarking upon just about any endeavor is list-making. Goal-setting. Establishing what it is one intends to accomplish. So it stands to reason that if one endeavors to build a better self, to live a kick-ass life, she might do well to identify what that life looks like. 

And I have avoided it for my whole life.

When I was really young--say, under 25--I avoided setting life goals out of fear of doing things. I really just wanted to be taken care of, by family, by a man, by chance or fate or the hand of God. I wanted to be special and stand out, but I didn't believe I could do anything to make that happen. I hoped I might just luck into a starring role on broadway, but it didn't occur to me that I could learn to dance, even as I enrolled in a tap class my senior year of high school. If I wasn't the best around me at something, that was the same as being no good at all. The same as being incapable. To set a goal was pointless, I couldn't possibly do the things I dreamed of doing. And the stuff I could do I was already doing, or would luck into along the way.

In the last 8 years it has begun to slowly dawn on me that I might want more than whatever I stumble into. That a fulfilling job might be a priority. That I might even be able to learn something new. I stepped out a little. I stumbled a little. I fell back. Regrouped. Stepped out tiny bit more. But I was still strongly resistent to identifying and announcing what I wanted out of life. My life. Now I wasn't so afraid of doing as I was of not doing. Of failing. To acknowledge that I wanted something put the onus on me to try it. To make it  happen.

Even in my early attempts to start this blog I avoided being specific. Specific is scary. Specific might dictate specific action. Which could lead to failure, leading to disappointment, leading to the worst fate of all: humiliation. 

Yep. That's it. I am cripplingly terrified of humiliation. And that fear is paired with a ludicrous level of perfectionism. This special couple have teamed up to ensure that I remain stuck solidly in a mire of mediocrity. How gross is that? SO GROSS. Ugh. I'm disgusted even thinking about it!

Which brings me back to goal-setting. To list-making. The concept of the life list isn't new. We all know people who have made at least one at some point: the life list, 30 x 30, 40 x 40, or even the horrifically named "bucket list." This summer I discovered Maggie of Mighty Girl, who has one of the best-known life lists, but I had seen dozens prior to finding that one. 

I started my list a couple months ago, while reading The Art of Non-Conformity, and got to about 20 goals before I hit a wall and put it down for a while. But I picked it back up again this month, and have come up with 100 Things I Want To Do During My Life. The sort of things I imagine knowing I've done when I'm an old lady telling stories to young whippersnappers. Or to you, via my old lady blog. And tomorrow I will post it here. 

Update on October 12, 2011 by Christy

I posted my Life List. You can see it here!